Preparing for the Last Day – as we cross the bar
I write this article to help those who want to prepare for the last day. A morbid subject to some but necessary if we are to help those who are left behind to carry out our wishes. Indeed, many if not nearly all of us, myself included, say we will get around to this one day, but we never do. Our families are left trying to arrange a funeral as best they can, hoping to aspire to what we might have wanted.
I have lost count of the number of funerals I have officiated at where families are totally distraught, because they want to do their best for their loved ones, but are swimming in a black sludgy pond of not knowing the hymns they want, the readings, poetry (if required) and importantly, much of the dear departed’s life history.
In short, families cannot remember everything, they and we can never know what you are really thinking. So, what you do at this time will be a great help to your family, especially if you have a clear idea of what you want. Your plans can be either long, short, comprehensive, or simply notes. But whatever it amounts to, will always be a help to those who are left behind.
One burning question often is: What can be placed on your coffin? Every Ex-Service person is entitled to have the Union Flag placed on their coffin. The practice of placing a White Ensign on the coffin is presently unlawful. Which is why, thanks to Colin Gent, our Association had a Coffin Pall made, as this can be placed on the Coffin and it has two White Ensigns on it, one on each side and our Crest on the top. This is available to everyone. Serving Service personnel will probably only be allowed the Union Flag.
The Association Standard can also be paraded on request when it is possible for the Standard Bearer to be present. The creation of the Coffin Pall was to replace the Standard when it cannot be paraded due to non-availability or sheer distance involved but can also be used when the Standard is present. The coffin pall is couriered/posted to the relevant funeral director.
You should also be aware, that medals, sword, cap, beret, football boots, or a bible etc., can be placed on top of the coffin. What you wear inside the coffin is your business, football shirt or tutu, etc!! Any items so placed will be retrieved by your funeral director and returned to your family on completion of the service.
A Funeral Service at The Crematorium
At the Crematorium, the first thing that you should be aware of, is that essentially most services are similar, regardless of denomination. As a general rule, you need to be aware that at the Crematorium services will only last 20 to 25 minutes in total, in and out. This allows for two short hymns, a eulogy, and some prayers. You will need music to enter by and music for people to leave by; this can be a CD or organ music. The choice of hymns and music can be essentially yours, but the priest or minister, will probably want to have the last word on what can be used. They, like me, would want to avoid the following being sung at the Crematorium, “Burn baby burn” or “light my fire …” or “smoke gets in your eyes…”
I think you will get my drift. We priests, and ministers, like to keep a check on good taste for the benefit of the bereaved, and we ‘do’ have the last word. My local funeral director once told me that he was surprised at the Yeovil crematorium, when one family stood as the curtains closed, and they all sang “Wish me luck as you wave me good bye…” they were all waving at the time. For them on that occasion there was no minister present, it was not a Christian funeral service. I suppose you could say no holds barred. Again, I’m sure you’re getting my drift.
A Funeral Service In Church
I think the first thing I should say here, is that the Church of England is the Established Church of England. Which means that every resident, in every parish throughout England, regardless of denomination, faith or belief has the right to have their funeral service held in their parish church. But the funeral service you will get there, ‘will be’ a Church of England Funeral Service, and nothing else by law. You should also know that a funeral service in church does not have the same time restriction that the crematorium imposes on your family. So you can be more flexible, with more hymns, readings and eulogies, etc. So a Church service would invariably be the better choice for your family. But again, in all cases, the priest or minister taking the service will have the last word, with regard to taste.
Memorial Services
These can be held after the Crematorium or a private funeral service in church. Most denominations make allowance for this thanksgiving service. This service would mean that the funeral service itself can be a very private occasion and the memorial service would become a public one and could be held at a later, more appropriate time. There are no rules as to when a memorial service should take place, and some have been known to occur a year after the funeral has occurred.
Disposal of Remains
Clearly this again can be, and often is, a touchy subject with the family. Hard and fast instructions left for your loved one’s guidance is usually a great help for your next of kin, though good practice will always be a guide. Asking for your remains to be part of a new motorway or breakwater wall, might prove difficult to arrange and believe it or not, there are hard and fast rules on the burial of bodies and cremated remains. It can’t just be done anywhere, so what are the options?
Burial or cremation are the two forms of disposal, I have heard of someone being buried in their garden, but they were recently dug up and moved to one of my cemeteries here in Cornwall, because the family wanted to sell the house and the grave was a problem.
There is however more that can be done with the disposal of cremated remains. You will probably all be aware of the gardens of remembrance at your local crematoria, and even of the areas set aside in your own churchyards for cremated remains, especially when the churchyard as a whole is closed for internments. But what you may not be aware of is that, cremated remains can be disposed of at sea, and has even been allowed at the Defence College of Police & Guarding at Southwick Park, with the permission of the Commandant. However, the latter is probably no longer a definite option.
Disposal of Ashes at Sea
Serving and Ex-Service personnel have the option of having their cremated remains disposed of at sea. There are three main contact points that will do this for you on behalf of your family. They are the Chaplaincy departments of the Portsmouth, Devonport and Faslane Naval Bases. Details of how to use this service are available through the Chaplaincies concerned. Families can be present on these occasions or the remains may be despatched without the family being present, but with full honours and due decorum paid by a serving member of the Chaplaincy service. I have witnessed a few of these occasions and I have even taken part in them. They are extremely good.
Should you still require some advice/guidance and for your peace of mind, I am happy to offer this personally if you contact me via padrerba93@rba93.com. Please add CTB in the reference header.
The Reverend Fr Michael Brown
Association Chaplain
Regulating Branch and Royal Navy Police Association